


Help

by LizzlyBear96



Category: Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Genre: Angst and Romance, Comfort/Angst, Depression, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 11:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13903371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizzlyBear96/pseuds/LizzlyBear96
Summary: The exploration of depression and its affect on all those involved, is touchy, unkind, unforgiving. Colin has been struggling with depression for a long time, in complete denial, and fearful of his friends' reactions, yet that fear and pride keep him from being able to speak up. As the days move forward, and life becomes more sullen, Colin is slowly losing his grip on his emotions and is close to bursting. Everyone can see it. Ryan knows something is wrong, but doesn't know where to begin, and decides it's time to confront the issue in the best way he can.





	Help

The door closed with a soft click, and a warm body lay against the cold wood, the effort of moving seeming like a foreign concept to tired, aging bones.

It had been a long day at work for Colin. Very, very long. The frustrating part about it was that it wasn't over, not just yet. Ironically, though, it wasn't the work day that had been going a wry, even if on the inside he felt anxiety bubble in his stomach during each take. In fact today the shooting itself was going as normal as anything could be on the set of Whose Line. Countless dirty jokes and innuendos, bald jokes to his amusement and annoyance, and fat jokes to Drew's, roaring laughter from the audience as he and the other talented men he was glad to call his friends took that small little carpeted stage and, well, improvised their way through anything and everything, blunders and all. No, it wasn't work that was the issue. The issue was starting to be, and frankly, had been becoming for years much to his dismay, himself, and the thoughts that plagued him.

Colin cocked his mouth to the side as he drew in a quiet, shuddering breath, and let it out slowly, crossing his arms as if he were trying to physically hold himself together. He took a labored step towards a chair in the small community dressing room, feeling the weight of anxiety, self doubt, and a strange and unshakeable overwhelming sadness take control of his body and make his limbs feel like they were made of lead. He sat down in the soft chair, and propped his elbow on the desk in front of him. He sat there staring into a single spot on the wall for what seemed like at least five minutes, the feelings and thoughts intensifying with every quiet and solitary moment, body becoming heavier, eyes becoming tired. If he could chuckle at this patheticness, he would, but the effort of smiling even in an ironic manner was too hard. Colin signed, and closed his hazel eyes.

 _'Why?'_ he thought, his brow furrowing in irritation and his eyes opening half lidded, and he brought his hand to his mouth to rest his head. _'Why now? Today was going fine, and then this had to happen again... Why?'_ He felt like he was trying to make a point, as if he were trying to rationalize the situation and convince himself that he was fine, and that nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. There was nothing to complain about in life. There were achievements and goals he strived for and met, and a job that he while it could get nerve wracking and aggravating, it was one that he loved with all his heart, which is something others couldn't declare. In the least of it, at least he had a financial security that others wished for. So why is it that it seemed like these things as the days passed on, were losing their meaning and worth? Sure, people get sad, people have their off days, people have rough patches in time. It happens to everyone, even him, evidently. But these attacks were becoming a lot more frequent, more frequent that they had been in the last twenty years anyways, and a lot harder to deal with each time they happened. Sure, he had never been the picture of mental health, but at what point does it get better? Or lessen in the least? The thought pushed him from a depression to irritation; why couldn't he just be happy, and live life in the way a ‘normal’ person would? Why couldn't the rationality of his brain out best the over sensitivity of his heart? Was he so selfish, so ignorant, so-

A knock on the door shook Colin out of his thoughts temporarily as a surge of adrenaline flowed through his body like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have, and he shot his head up. "Yes?" he called out, sitting up straighter and putting on a more neutral expression as he stared at the door. "Colin?" The door opened to reveal Drew, who stepped inside just a little bit. "Hey buddy, there you are, been looking all over for you! For a minute there, we all thought you got lost on your way to the bathroom or something." He gave a light laugh as Colin gave a half hearted smile. "Just wanted to let you know that we're about to start taping again soon, alright?"

"Alright, Drew, thanks, I'll be out there in a minute." Colin said in an even tone, that half hearted smile not leaving his face, like Drew was interrupting something important when it was probably good that he came when he did. Drew gave a light nod as he turned to leave the room, but stopped with his hand on the door, and turned back to Colin, who was in the middle of standing up and placing the chair under the little desk. "Hey, Colin? Are you alright?"

Colin froze and he looked back at Drew, his eyes faltering slightly before he regained his control and he pursed his lip, nodding cooly. "Well, yeah, Drew, why do you ask? Is my hair thinning a bit? I knew I should have bought that Rogaine." He patted the top of his head, feigning the existence of hair as he brushed through it. Drew laughed slightly and shook his head. "A bit? Take a look in the mirror, if you haven't noticed by now, you're practically your own light house with the shine that reflects off your dome."

A stab.

"Haha, no, it's just," the larger man looked as though he were searching for the right words. "You've just seemed a little bit... Off lately, like something isn't right. The guys and I have been concerned that's all, so I just wanted to talk to you and make sure you’re alright. I know we haven’t seen you since the last shooting but it… Seems like it’s still there, you know?" There was silence in the room. Colin stood still as the anxiety once again welded within him, and he did his best to keep the calm, neutral, expected even, traditional 'Colin Mochrie' face. Was he really letting on more than he wanted? All this time, he thought he was able to hide his emotions well so no one could suspect anything was wrong. Maybe, even in hopes to delude himself as well. It’s a hard thing to accept when something is wrong with you. But even as Drew stared at him, an open beacon for help, Colin felt a mixture of pride, worry, undertones of self loathing, embarrassment. If it was the last thing he wanted, it was to bring people he cared about into a situation that they couldn't understand, that Colin himself struggled to understand. It wasn't a fight for others to deal with. So, he lied.

"Well, I appreciate the concern you guys have but I'm fine Drew. Honest." And he smiled again. "I guess I just haven't adjusted to the time zone difference yet, an hour difference or not. And I haven't been sleeping well either, so maybe that's probably why I look so tired or off. I mean, I did just get off a nearly six hour flight and haven't really rested much because of work and jet lag." He chuckled. "Don't worry Drew, I'm fine, I promise."

Drew felt a lot better with the response he was given and nodded. "Alright, that's good. You know, Colin," A pause for thought. "We might all dick around and stuff like that with each other but, you're still our friend. Just remember that. As long as you're alright, though buddy, that's good. You just get some rest when you get back to your place, alright? I'll see you outside." And with that, Drew left and closed the door. Colin stood still and felt the biggest wave of relief wash over him. At least now Drew would probably tell the others outside what has been going on, or tell them at one point or another, and they might not suspect anything anymore. It was a reasonable, not entirely untrue lie he just told. Even Ryan-

Colin's heart clenched at the thought of Ryan as he closed the door and headed towards the stage curtains. He could feel once again the feeling of tight chestedness as he thought about the one person who knew him better than anyone else. The one person who he really didn't want to burden with these feelings, these petulant and unruly thoughts.... Colin sighed a sigh of defeat as his thoughts trailed off into another, as he decided on what he wanted to do. 'I guess,' he thought, stepping out onto the stage with his best smile and his demeanor more positive than it was, in which he was thankful, waving to the guys and the audience as the latter applauded and hollered for his return. He went and took his normal seat, greeting loving and friendly green eyes with his own tired hazel ones. Ryan began small conversation with Colin as the second half of their day began, Colin smiling genuinely for some of the few times that day, other than some of the scenes they had been taping. He didn't say much in reply to Ryan, but nodded and hummed here and there, not noticing the subtle concern growing in those green eyes he loved so much as he kept away in his own thoughts. How could he possibly burden someone like that? Smile drooping slightly, he turned his head away from Ryan who may or may not have been waiting for a reply, but he didn't really realize it. Colin, once again, was too wrapped up within his own thoughts to focus on much of anything, though the touch of the tip of a shoe against his own distracted him even for a short time. It made him smile, and take in a deep breath.

'I'll just have to try harder.'

So he did.

The rest of the day went as smoothly as it had been like the first half of the day, chaotically organized as always. The voices of the audience filled the room as they exited through the doors on the sides once taping was over, Drew talking to Dan down by the front of the stage as the cameramen began to group together in their own circle with the main heading towards Drew and Dan (big manager talk, perhaps), and Ryan, Colin, Wayne, and Brad stood for a few lingering moments talking before making their way behind the stage curtains. All four of them hovered slowly in a group chatting and reliving the days events while the voices behind them faded away into the distance.

"And you, Brad, are you fuckin' _kidding_ me? The thing with the goats milk?" Wayne couldn't help but smile brightly as he remembered the line during the 'Dairy' Hoedown. "That was one of the most hilarious things I have heard today but you _nasty_ , man." He gave over dramatic shivers and a laugh as Brad lazily shrugged and kept a cool smirk. "I mean hey, what's a man to do Wayne, I got stuck and I said the first thing that came to mind! Isn't that the entire point?" He grinned over at Ryan and gave him a nudge in the arm, causing the latter to give a confused look and smile. Brad honestly didn't know what he was doing other than kidding around at that point, giving a giggle and a shake of the head. "Well, I don't know about you guys," he clasped and rubbed his hands together. "But I'm beat as all hell right now, so I could definitely use a drink. Anyone up for a few beers?" Ryan and Wayne both nodded and agreed, deciding that after being apart for as long as they were, it would be nice to relax and catch up with each other even if more nights like this would come later down the road. Colin stayed silent and clung a little closely to the back of the pack as if he were trying to step away and didn't know how, the tiredness showing through his eyes. He wasn't feeling as bad as he was earlier when he nearly had a mental breakdown and was deep within a pit of emotion that still came in waves throughout the day, but it definitely took a lot of energy out of him. He wasn't sure that drinking for even a couple of hours and giving more energy that he didn't have in the first place would be the best idea.

"Uhm... I think I'm gonna pass on this one you guys, I really haven't been sleeping so well 'nd honestly I can't really keep my eyes open right now." He gave a chuckle and a yawn escaped his lips. 'Wow, I really am tired, huh?' he thought as he shook away the sleepiness.

The bright and playful mood seemingly dampened at the response, the concerns that they all had been harboring for a long time resurfacing in their minds about Colin and the isolative habits he had begun to dote a little more often with each passing day. But even though they were a little disappointed in the answer, Brad and Wayne both respected Colin's decision, knowing- hell, seeing would be the better way to put it -that Colin hadn't been doing so well, and with the talk Drew gave them earlier combined with the way Colin looked, it seemed like he really was about to keel over and fall asleep. They both gave the Canadian pats on the back and a friendly hug each and exchanged a few words of their own, as Ryan watched them with crossed arms, rubbing his thumbs slowly against them and a soft look of concern covering his face. It seemed like Ryan was doing it a lot more often for Colin than he had been realizing, being concerned and worryful. It was in him to be protective over Colin, almost like a second nature. Even when they first met, there was an instant need, a want, to be around the other and keep him close, to want to try and fix all the problems that came around, even if it wasn't always possible. Ryan couldn't help it. Sometimes it was so second nature that people would often assume he and Colin shared some sort of telepathic bond, as strange a notion it was. To an extent, it was definitely true. They knew everything about each other, and knew each other's quirks and odds and ends, it made them both happy to know that they shared such a close relationship that others might not be able to really understand. Colin knew how to help Ryan, and Ryan knew how to help Colin. And Ryan had a gut feeling that something more was going on that Colin would show or tell, and the fact that Ryan knew that something was wrong but didn't fully know was beginning to get under his skin and make the knot of worry grow more and more with each dull smile, fake laughter, and silencing of a voice he couldn't get enough of.

"Well, alright you old fart," Colin rolled his eyes at the remark, but took it in good graces. "I guess we'll see you tomorrow then." Wayne said feigning a huffy and childlike attitude as he hugged the older man quick and close, patting his back a few times and dropping the show. "Get home safe, now." he said softly.

"I second that notion." Brad quipped.

"Geez, I didn't realize I had extra mothers 'til just now." Colin joked as he chuckled again, letting Wayne go from his arms. "Just give me a rain check for this one." Colin said softly, and glanced sideways to Ryan, who hadn't taken his eyes off him, looking as if he knew something yet couldn't place a finger as to what it could be. Colin stood quiet for a moment, studying Ryan's eyes and the emotion that lay behind them. It bore a hole in his heart to see the amount of concern in eyes he loved so much, but fear and pride kept his mouth closed. "I'm sorry, Ry," he went in to give the taller man a tight embrace and a consoling tone escaped his lips in hopes to ease the worry. "Another time. Alright?" Ryan hummed against Colin's shoulder, pulling him in closer and didn't want to let him go, voice muffled against his shirt. "I know, Col." He thought for a moment and reluctantly pulled himself from the hug but kept an arm around the other's, rubbing his thumb against it, making sure that the others couldn't see the action. "How you getting home?" he asked softly.

Colin felt the most comfortable at this very moment than he had been in a long time. Maybe all he needed was just a little bit of attention, affection. He gave a shrug, and crossed his arms, once again as if he were trying to hold himself together. "I'm just gonna be walkin'. Nothing special." That really wasn't the answer that Ryan wanted to hear, but he wasn't able to comment on it before Colin moved away slowly, trying to not let the conversation go further. It wasn't that he didn't want to continue talking to Ryan, but Brad and Wayne waiting on the side made him want to let the other men go and have some fun, and it sent a small sheen of blush to his face as he and Ryan were showing affection that not many people witnessed. But it was hard to hide sometimes. "I'll just leave you guys to it then. I'll see you all tomorrow on set." And he headed for the door, turning back to send off one last goodbye and gave a genuine smile, reciprocated of course, before leaving the double doors into the evening. The city here was bustling even though the sun was almost out of sight, and people walked by him as he stood to regain some thought. The cool air helped ground him as he set on a course to get back to his temporary home. All he wanted to do was relax and lay there and find something to do to take his mind of the tiredness that now went through him. It was not a fun cycle, waves of emotion to tiredness. He sighed and shook his head.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" he said quietly as he shivered, crossing his arms as he walked for a while, maybe taking a little longer route to take in the sights and smells that he hadn't experienced for a little while, hoping that the fresh air and time alone would perk his mood up, until he reached a crosswalk, pressing the button as he waited for the sign to change. When it did, he took off again. Soon, he ended up back at his own place. A modest little apartment tucked away from the city in to more of a suburban setting, small, but good and close to work. It was nice and quiet. Colin turned the key in the door and went inside, closing it and taking off his shoes by the front, placing his keys on the breakfast bar to his right. For a moment he took his surroundings in. No lights were on, and the grayness of the leaving day was seeping into the living room and bedroom, the kitchen as dark as can be, with the most basic of furnishings provided. He didn't really have the time to take the time to see where he was at considering that he arrived just a few days before and went straight to bed and has been up and running ever since. It was nice and calming, he thought. He walked towards the bedroom and shut the door so he could change out of his current clothes into something more comfortable to laze around the house in, settling on just sweats and a baggy shirt. A lot of his shirts were baggy, he knew, but he didn't love his body enough to want to wear anything different or more fitted. It was easy to put something baggy on, it was easier to hide away the things he didn't want people to see and wasn't comfortable showing, but on a positive note, it was just comfortable. Right now, he didn't know how to go about changing, even if he wanted to. He felt stuck. Colin threw his worn clothes on the floor, knowing he would pick them up later, but right now all he wanted was the safety and comfort of his bed. He sat on the edge, stopping for a moment to hunch over, his belly hanging a little past the waistband of the sweats, and rubbed his eyes. It was just... Exhausting. He was exhausted, mentally, and physically. He played the staring game with the dark wall for a few moments, his mind blank, before he willed his aching back and bones down on the mattress and pulled the covers around his cold body. The late night grew darker and darker as it lulled Colin into sleep. He needed it. Maybe sleep would help shake off these feelings.

A few hours passed before Colin grumpily awoke to the sound of knocking at his door. He huffed and turned over to look at his clock with squinted eyes, and the time was nine twenty. Who in the world is knocking at this hour? It was way too late to be dealing with anyone. Did someone order him food and not tell him? Did they not know how old he was and the terrible indigestion that would follow if he ate right now?

"...God what am I, eighty?" he questioned before he rolled over and left the warmth of his blankets and grumbled 'hold on dammit' as the knocks came again, and the stepped through to the door and peeped the peep hole. Who he saw made confusion rise. "Ryan...?" he said quietly to himself, as he unlocked the door. There Ryan stood, a plastic bag of what smelled like chinese food in his hand, and a soft smile on his face. "Ryan, whu-... What are you doing here so late? Why aren't you with Wayne and Brad?" Colin spoke through a yawn. Ryan gave a shrug, eyes looking around at nothing in particular. "I just wanted to see you, that's all. I thought you could use the company. By the looks of it, it seems like you haven't had anyone over yet to burn your place to the ground, haha." A quiet moment. "I brought food." He said in a more cheerful and childlike tone and lifted the bag up, grinning at Colin who stared at the other in disbelief and shaking his head. He may have been a little irritated at the lack of sleep he was getting, but nothing made his mood perk up more. "You're a goofball, Ry." Colin couldn't help but smile and stepped off to the side as Ryan entered the house. Why not, he thought. "I hope you're ready for the heartburn that's about to happen later."

"I was born ready. Well... Maybe. I can't say I'm looking forward to it but," Ryan laughed and found the kitchen light. "Have you ever tried this chinese food from down the street from the studio? It's really, really good, I think you'll like it." Colin had his arms crossed as he watched Ryan open the bag and place styrofoam containers onto the small counter. "I don't doubt you." he smiled. Deciding he had enough of standing around, he went to see if there were any plates up in the cabinets. Bowls. Silverware. A cup. Anything? Well, he couldn't say he was surprised that there wasn't much there besides the basic of basic furniture, it wasn't like he was living there forever. "Well..." He turned to Ryan who had a quirked eyebrow. "I guess we can eat out of the containers like savages." Ryan smiled and gave a shrug. "That's fine by me."

Eventually, they sat down on the couch in the living room, after struggling to switch out even amounts of lo mein and rice into each container with the cheap plastic sporks that threatened to break due to Ryan's stubbornness and grabbing large amounts more than they could hold in order to quicken the ordeal and leaving a mess on the countertops, complete with soy sauce dribbles and rice grains. They ate in comfortable silence for a while, quipping a few words here and there about how good the food was or how the other was making a mess, but neither of them realizing just how hungry they were. It was common at times for the whole of the cast to go a minute without eating, the snacks they found not quite doing the trick until intermission hit and they could go and find real food for an hour or so, and that only happened at a certain time during the day, and then the snacking would resume if they could find the time. It wouldn't be surprising to know that the rest of the studio didn't feel the same right now, unless they were all conked out.

"So," Ryan started, speaking through lo mein in his mouth but not continuing until he finished. "How have you been?" Colin stared straight ahead as his chewing slowed a little bit. He shrugged, and swallowed. Was this really the only reason Ryan came here? He didn't want to discuss this, if that’s what it was. "I've been alright I guess. Yourself?"

Ryan poked at his food and stared down at it. "I don't know if ‘alright’ is the word to use, Col..."

"Why aren't you with Wayne and Brad right now? I thought you guys were going out to have a few drinks." Colin said, trying to change the subject, feeling slight bit of irritation rising in his voice. Ryan knew what Colin was trying to do, as he had become very good at it recently: deflection. Not a lot of people could realize it right off the bat, but he could, just because of the sheer amount of time that he’d known the other man. Right now, it wasn’t the time for Colin to start. He wasn’t going to let him, and he felt his own irritation start to bubble at the idea that Colin didn’t trust him enough to talk, but also that he might not have cared enough to want to just let it out in the open, but tried his best to keep it subdued. Anger and irritation isn’t going to help the problem he was trying to fix, or at the least, it wasn’t going to help bring out the information that he was looking for.

"I decided that I wanted to see you instead because I've been worried about you, and you won't talk to me about it. And I don't understand why." Ryan's voice was soft but firm and he stared at Colin who had stared at his food silently before he turned his head to stare out into space again, his elbow on the couch and his head resting against his hand that held his spork, the other occupied by holding the flimsy styrofoam container, deep in thought. "And... And then you do things like that, Col. It isn't just me you're not talking to, it's anyone. And then you go an run away and hide and act as if it's not there, and it just makes a bigger loop for everyone. It's not fair." He found himself slipping out more irritation as the conversation went on. "And you know, I respect you and the decisions you make because they're yours, and I love you, but you can't sit there and tell me that no one hasn't noticed, and that we all haven't been worried about you for months. You've become so isolated, you flake, you just- Sometimes I wonder where in the hell you think any of this is okay." Ryan furrowed his brow with the lack of response and getting tired of hearing his own voice, and closed his own container with a soft but aggravated sigh and placed it on the floor as he tried to regain his own calmness. He didn't want to prod and poke at Colin and risk stepping over boundaries, but he couldn't help but feel helpless and unknowing what to do when Colin wouldn't open up, and upset that Colin didn’t trust him enough to discuss this. Was something that wrong? Of course there was, but Ryan just didn’t know how to get Colin to open up and make him feel comfortable doing so. Ryan shuffled as close as he could to Colin and sat as close as he could, pressing his side against the other's. Colin turned his head more away from Ryan so he wouldn't look him in the eyes or even catch a glimpse, because that's where it would all break down. It was the eyes in which they could see the truth most often. He let his hand with the container fall lower and he rested his arm on his knee as Ryan pressed against him, not realizing how the depression drained him of warmth was until he felt the warmth of Ryan radiate on his left side. He didn't know what to do. He was feeling more and more emotion weld up within him, and it was becoming harder to control with the touch of another person, the voice of concern and love reaching his ears from someone he didn't want to put through this, the fear of anything and everything. He was afraid. He felt guilty. He felt the weight of his emotions crashing down onto his being, not understanding why it all had to happen so suddenly. Why so suddenly?

"I'm sorry for snapping at you, Colin. I didn't mean to...." Ryan crossed his arms as he lent his head on the other's shoulder, talking soft. "I'm just... Concerned. I miss you. And not only me, you know, people at the studio miss you. It bums me the fuck out that you're not around anymore, it bums me out not hearing your voice, your laugh, your anything. And you know how I get when I don't know what's going on in that noggin of yours; it scares me. I’m worried, Col." There was silence for a moment, Ryan gnawing at his lip as he trailed off. Ryan heard the other speak something, but he couldn’t hear what it was. "Col?" he said. Ryan could feel Colin breathe in softly through his mouth as he moved away to observe him and his body language, keeping a hand resting on the other’s back. Colin’s body was becoming more slack as he rested into the couch and Ryan could see the tension move into his neck and his head stay firmly away. “Colin.” He said more firmly this time yet still with softness and concern. “Please talk to me.” he begged. Ryan moved his hand to try and touch Colin’s chin and bring his head more forward, but the other shied away.

“I’m sorry.” Colin choked out and his breath hitched, words barely above the whisper this time, clenching the plastic spork in his hand. “I’m sorry, I-... I’m sorry.” Ryan could hear the sound of crying begin to happen as Colin turned around to close the styrofoam container but in his haste and shakiness, dropped it from his knee and its contents spilled out. The action made Colin breathe in short breaths and to stare at the mess he made, feeling nothing but overwhelming rage. Rage at the depression that plagued his life and wouldn't let its hold go, rage at Ryan for his harsh truth but also that he cared so much about him when he just wanted to be left alone, and rage at himself for having so much pride that he couldn't admit that he was struggling and a fear of change. “God damn it!” he yelled, louder than anyone had ever heard, throwing the spork across the room and holding his head in his hands once he realized what he had done, staring as waves of multiple emotions washed over him, wishing he had the hair on top of his head to cling on to as sobs began to erupt full force, lowering his head.

For a moment, he was in shock. Ryan had never seen Colin so distraught, not at any point in their relationship, not like this. Not breaking down into sobs and holding himself close like no one was there. Now, Ryan was in a state of absolute worry. “Col, it’s fine, don’t worry about it, it’s fine, it’s fine.” He continued to quickly whisper words of reassurance and kindness as he brought the other quickly into a close hug, Colin adjusting his posture to hold Ryan close and continue to sob into his shoulder loudly, clinging onto him as if it were the last thing he was ever going to do in life. The abrupt change and tightness of the hug made Ryan exhale in a small ‘oof’, but was quickly pushed aside as he held Colin as close as he could, eyes wide in bewilderment with what was happening. What had he missed? Why had he not paid closer attention? The signs were there, the isolation, the silence, the missing laugher, the drained energy, why did he not notice sooner, when did things become so sour that it made his best friend, his lover, want to hold it all inside? Would it have made a difference? Ryan held Colin close as he buried his head into the other’s shoulder, wishing he was hearing something more than the gasping sobs echoing in a deathly silent room. He rubbed Colin’s back. “Breathe Colin, breathe, honey. You’re going to hyperventilate...” he tried to coax the other down from this hectic emotion he was feeling, trying not to let his own franticness seep into his voice, though it may have faltered on some level.

Colin swore he could feel his knuckles turn white, he was holding Ryan so close. He tried to calm down, letting the tears fall as he tried to breathe out. “I-I know. I know, I…” He pulled away from Ryan’s shoulder, face red and stained with tears, but still in his arms. “I’m so sorry, Ryan. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.”

“Colin you haven’t done anything wrong. Stop with the apologizing.” Ryan stated, reaching to try to help wipe away some of the tears.

“No, I’m _going_ to apologize, because I know that I haven’t been myself and I’ve been avoiding everyone I know!” Colin exclaimed, letting go of Ryan to wipe away the tears himself which were trying to find their end, not wanting the pity. “You're right, I know I haven’t been talking to anyone but I’m an adult who can make those god damn choices, Ryan!” A hitch in the breath. “I know I’ve been hiding away, I know, but I’ve been getting dragged into this pit and I don’t know how to get out. I feel like I can’t feel the same way that I think. I know I’ve been ignoring everyone and lying to them and I can’t lie anymore, I can’t do it.” Colin hitched another small breath as his voice quieted down. “I can’t do it. I feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like I’m trying all I can and doing as best as I can to keep myself together and it’s not good enough. I feel like I’m not doing my job right, I can’t get up the confidence that others see in me for me, I’m getting old, I can’t…” He trailed off. “I just feel like it’s all a struggle and I don’t know how to get myself to understand the rationality of the situation.” Colin’s tears continued to fall, slower. “And I’ve… I’ve been ignoring you, Ry.” He turned to face the other’s eyes, those green eyes he loved so dearly. “But I’ve been too afraid to talk to you about it because I don’t even know what’s going on. I don’t know how to fix it, Ry, I don’t even know when this bullshit started… Well, maybe I do, it’s been ongoing ever since my goddamn twenties.” The thought irritated the hell out of Colin. “I haven’t been meaning to stay so distant from you, from Drew, from Brad, Wayne, anyone. I haven’t been meaning to I promise but it’s just… It’s just been so hard, Ry.” His voice came out with desperation, small and feeble. He was so ashamed of this outburst and the amount of apologies he could give would never be enough.

“Col…” Ryan moved his hands to Colin’s arms, rubbing his thumbs in circles on them before putting them gently to his cheeks, rubbing them in circles too, attempting to wipe away the wetness. He brought Colin forward where he made their foreheads touch. He placed a small and loving kiss to the other's forehead and continued to lean on it, trying to find the proper words to say. "Col, you're fine. You're not doing bad, you're doing fine at your job, your best will always be good enough." He looked Colin in the eyes before placing a soft and gentle kiss against his lips, neither of them wanting it to end. "Colin," he began quietly as he pulled away from the other’s lips but kept their lips flush against each other, moving his hands to the outer strips of hair on Colin’s head and running his hands through it. "You don't need to feel afraid. You know I'm not going to judge you, I would rather you talk to me about things like this than hold it in.” He kept searching for the words, speaking them softly. “ You might not understand what you're going through, but you know there's always help out there, and… And we can find you some. You aren’t alone. Honestly... Sometimes I feel the exact same way that you do. But, you know every one of your friends is always going to be there for you. Hell, if you think no one is ever going to be there, you know I ain't ever gonna leave. You’re not obligated to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you can't isolate yourself anymore. Not when it makes you get this way. I can’t stand seeing you this way..." He trailed off and decided to pull him close again and adjusted them both back against the couch as he rubbed at the other's back. “I love you too much for you to suffer like this alone, Colin. You are too good of a person to deal with this alone. You don’t have to...”

He felt the protectiveness within him rise as he held Colin close, wanting to shield him from these thoughts and from these feelings. Unfortunately, this was one of those times where he might not be able to help in the way that he wanted to, to physically take it all away, to physically take the thoughts and shove them back to hell where they belonged, so he tightened his hug around Colin like he would disappear any moment. Ryan didn’t even want to think about that. Did Colin want to disappear? Impossible, but not implausible. He wasn’t sure he wanted to find out. He was going to try his hardest to prove to the other that the things he did were worth it, and that he was worth it, and that life itself was worth it. They laid like that for a while in silence again, Ryan's long frame engulfing Colin's smaller one, placing kisses ever so often onto the top of his balding head, trying to whisper small words of encouragement and happiness here and there. He tried to remind him of his importance in the world, of his importance to those around him. They stayed that way, Colin becoming calmer and more rational with each passing moment, his heart becoming more aware of the rationality his brain was trying to provide. It was hard trying to battle this battle alone like he had been doing for over twenty years, each day becoming worse and worse. It was hard to find truth in words that he couldn’t believe. But, he was going to start to try and listen, and to try to better himself not only for others, but for himself too. He just had to find that willpower. Whatever fate brought Ryan here at this moment, he thanked it.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah, Col?"

"Thank you for being here." Ryan smiled. "'Course. You needed it." Colin smiled softly before moving up from Ryan's arms and moving to get up, legs a little shaky from sitting down in such a position for so long. Ryan sat up. "Where are you going?"

Colin was headed towards the kitchen slowly, body completely drained of energy but for the first time in a while it wasn’t heavy and weighted, to grab napkins from the plastic bag the food came in. "I'm gonna clean up the mess I made earlier.” Ryan pursed his lips and got up himself, deciding to take the opportunity to scoop the fallen food into the container. “Ryan, I got it, you don’t have to do that.” A smirk rose to Ryan’s face as he flicked some grains of rice in the other’s direction, who in turn closed his eyes and his face hinted with exasperation. But, he couldn’t help but continue to smile and looked at Ryan with tired and puffy eyes. “You’re a jerk.” he gave a small chuckle.

“Yeah, you love me though.” He was happy that his joke worked in getting the other to smile and get his mind off the ordeal he had been through.

“I do. A lot.” Colin went and helped scoop the rest of the food in the box and took it to the kitchen and placed it on the counter, and went and grabbed the spork from across the room to place it on top of the container. A waste of good food, he thought, but there would always be other times to enjoy it again. He leaned against the counter on his hands, thinking. It was a few moments before he spoke.

“You goin’ home?”

Ryan thought about it. “Do you want me to?”

“No.” Colin said softly and looked over to Ryan with hope in his eyes. “Do you mind um… Maybe staying with me for this one night?” Ryan nodded.

“‘Course I will. I don’t think I trust you being alone anyways, ya crazy Canadian. You might start setting up evil plans without me.” Colin smiled at the remark as he shook his head and looked back at the counter he lent on before raising up and walking over to Ryan, giving him a quick hug. “Couch or bed, the choice is yours.” For the first time this evening, Colin tried to create a lighter mood by changing his voice to say the sentence, sounding a little like Darth Vader. He turned off the kitchen light, and Ryan found there was no thinking involved as he made his decision. Ryan followed Colin in the bedroom as the latter practically flopped down in tiredness and stayed that way, his energy completely spent. He could pass out right there. The taller man took off his shoes and socks and left them in the hallway before stepping inside and walked to the other side of the bed and laid down next to Colin and pulled him close. They were both very tired, and with another day planned tomorrow, they needed to get some sleep. With the night they had, it shouldn’t be difficult. The soft pitter patter of rain thudded against the window and grew with intensity. Ryan slipped under the covers and Colin turned around to where his face was in Ryan’s, wanting to be closer.

“Get under the covers, you butt.” Ryan whispered.

“You aren’t my mother.” Colin said, but did what he said anyways, finding that the air was becoming slightly more cold with the rainfall outside. He cuddled up against Ryan, feeling safety and calmness, something that was greatly appreciated at this point.

“Ry?”

“Yeah, Col?”

“I love you.” Colin whispered against the other’s neck.

“I love you too.” Ryan whispered back, placing a kiss against the other’s head. “Col?”

“Yeah, Ry?”

Ryan bit his lip. “You’re gonna be alright. You’re gonna get through this. Okay?” Colin smiled, believing that this time it could be true. He couldn’t say what would happen tomorrow, especially when things like this never changed overnight, and maybe the feelings of self doubt and anxiety and lack of self confidence would never completely go away, especially not after years of dealing with them, but he hoped that the feeling would remain the same; he could get through this. He could deal, he could cope, he could find happiness, he could relax, and he could move on. With the man he loved at his side supporting him, he felt like he could conquer anything. “Thank you, Ry. I believe you.”


End file.
